Copper

Oh my goodness, I am so fried. So full of baby & thought. So consumed by nourishing & trying to make ends meet. The strained stress of scratching.

Getting Arlo ready and driving to a strange town to cash in a box of copper for money. Hope for a break, cash to buy animal crackers. Stopping by the bank, praying. Hoping they would cash the check. Knowing he can’t go much longer, not long enough to drive to the other bank. Questioning if my bladder will hold.

Feeling the deep bitter sting of disappointment when the check will not cash. Tears in my eyes. When we pull in the driveway home he cries. Hungry, tired, cookieless. I am headachey, hungry. Worried the same foods from last night won’t satiate.

He won’t eat turkey salad today, so he chews on a rice cake and watches Pink Panther while I heat the soup and eat the turkey salad. He is impatient and weepy. As am I. Achy.

The soup warms, I feed him distracted bites. He scrapes the bowl clean and then its time to rock for nap. Not sure how he will receive this need for reprieve. He is not quiet willing. Compromises were made. Toy cars on laps when his hands finally go slack. I have been singing some songs. Tired in my bones, but wired and achy, head throbbing. I lay down for a moment, then rise. Tea to boil. None of this feels good. Release. 

I just need to sit alone, quietly and muse.

Woke up early and laid in bed, praying and thinking. Admiring Arlo as he slept. The soft curls of his hair. He had a more fitful morning. Moving around. I would place my hand on his back.

Eventually I fell back asleep and when he woke he was ready to eat. I tried to convince him of snuggles, but there were none to be had. I believe the dull ache was there then. Arlo was impatient for breakfast. We were both very hungry. Arlo ate 2 scrambled eggs, which he insisted on helping with. I had oats with a bit of cobbler mixed in, Arlo ate oats eventually.

He was rather impatient all morning. Or perhaps I was? I am not sure who was reflecting who. Mostly I believe I was tired, tapped out, exhausted on all levels.

Pulling into a strange town, sun glaring down and the gps stops working right. I have to constantly watch it to see where I am going, it just beeps warning before the turns. It takes me awhile to understand this, one way streets, lost. The early afternoon sun blinding me so I can’t see the screen. Arlo quietly watching me in the back seat.

We pull over at a video rental place. Small town, still had one.

I check the map and get my bearings then we set out again, holding my breath, watching the gas gage and the miles ticking away.

Black and white flag and I tell Arlo we found it. I unpack him from his seat. A 16lb box of copper scraps sitting atop my car. I hold Arlo’s hand and ask him to please not step in the mud. Balancing the metal on my hip, baby in belly protruding from my long sweater. We wait in line amongst dirt and metal. Garage smell, comforting.

Carhartts rustly around, dirt cloddy boots. Off in the distance we see a backhoe picking up cars, moving them about. Loud sounds all around and two dirty old vending machines with shiny new snacks. When we leave these catch Arlo’s eyes and I remind him, if the bank will cash the check we can get cookies.

A man comes out and asks what we have today and I say copper. He cracks open the box, puts it on a large scale. We see the 16 lbs. and he tells the woman behind the window. 16 lbs. #2 copper at @ $2.20/lb. Photo id and a check for $33. I was hoping for cash, now I’m worried about if the bank in this town will cash it. It does not.

We drive home. The bitter bites of disappointment nipping behind my eyes. Arlo looks at a book. I drive, ache. Worry about things to come. Lunch and past.