On getting well:

I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand.
-- Confucius

I do not know where this post will go. In all honesty I was seriously considering starting a new blog with this post. I have a thing about ceremony, about turning a new leaf, about starting over. It is a mental block, and it is an impediment. It is an impediment because if I do not feel that all of the stars are aligned properly I often will not begin something that is within my heart to accomplish. Thus, my heart is unwell. My mind is unwell. My spirit is unwell.
Over these past few weeks I have allowed myself to accept those three aforementioned statements. While I was not in complete denial over the idea that I am not living a life of wellness, I was pretty actively ignoring those feelings and I was definitely self-medicating against them. I was in a pattern of using pot, alcohol, food, entertainment, and pontification to avoid dealing with the fact that the way I have come to interact with my environment is in a depressed manner. I have allowed myself to recede into a hard casing that keeps me from true, honest interaction with the world around me.
In this space I have mentioned different times my struggles with depression. My views on the disorder have varied over time, and even still, as I write this, I cannot fully encapsulate what I understand about this term. Yet, I believe that I can say honestly, in these past months, I was in a depressed state.
As I think back it is unclear to me when this disorder began. As I said, I have struggled with depression before, I might even venture to say that the majority of my life has been spent coping with the world around me in depressed way (this is a whole another section of this unwinding story). There are a couple key developments concerning the disorder that sticks out in my life’s timeline. One being when I was 20 years old going through my divorce. At that time I accepted depression as a disease. I sought medical help, which was the right decision I believe, as I was struggling with thoughts of hurting myself. During that time I allowed my physician to prescribe an anti-depressant for me. I took Lexapro diligently for two years.
The second development that sticks out is when, over this last cold, harsh, winter I decided to slowly wean myself off of the drug. I made this decision for a few reasons. The first reason I decided to explore a life without psychotropic drugs was because I read the book Cunt and it opened my eyes to the ideas of holistic health and naturopathy. The second reason was that I had begun to experience some side effects from the drug and the doctor decided to up my dosage. I went through this leg of the journey pretty much alone, except for Josh who encouraged me the whole time through. My parent’s were not very supportive of my decision, and I did not discuss it with a doctor because I was pretty sure that they would try to talk me out of it. I was able to glean some information off of the internet that helped guide me. I wrote a bit to deal with it, mostly in letters to Josh keeping our communication open and our relationship safe. Choosing to go off anti-depressants was one of the most challenging things I have ever done. The withdraw symptoms alone were hell, and the time of year (the dead of winter, in a house with no heat) made things even harsher. And yet I got through it with my life.
Things were different when I came off the drug. Life was more blatant, my response to certain stimuli more emotional. I found myself dealing more and more with angry feelings; sometimes the smallest instance would fill my chest with a rage so fierce I would have mental flashes of throwing things or lashing out. Yet, not knowing properly how to deal with these newly felt emotions I often repressed them, or distracted myself through them (which is how I have dealt with things my whole life through). This coping mechanism of repression and distraction, I see now, is one of the things what has caused this disorder (I believe).
Furthermore, the things I chose to distract myself with aggravated the situation even more. While I had in the past smoked pot for recreation purposes, I began to use the drug more habitually and for different reasons. I found that it brought me to a state of numb bliss that allowed me to forget about the uncomfortable things I would be feeling. I liked the drug because it made me feel more inspired, more creative and free, it also sped up my mind. Eventually my use became iffier; there would be certain highs that were plagued with severe anxiety and paranoia. Thus, began my abuse of alcohol.
Shortly after my 21^st birthday I began drinking alcohol recreationally. Nights out at the bar, concerts, weekends away drinking with friends, these things were all part of me and Josh’s lifestyle as a couple. Drinking was fun, especially in social situations where, being an introvert, I tended to clam up. A few drinks and I would feel looser, happier, and more comfortable in my own skin. This social aspect of alcohol use was never really a problem as it did not translate into our everyday lives. Seldom did we drink during the week, or at home unless we had company. This slowly began to change for me as my emotional/mental landscape became more treacherous.
I can’t say when I began having a problem with drinking. Sometime earlier in this year I believe. Life began to look more and more unbearable and drinking in the evenings began to creep into my lifestyle. It was not uncommon to for me to begin with a drink at dinnertime and then continue into the night until I fell into a dizzy sleep. Alcohol had the opposite affect of pot. It slowed me down, made things more fluid and goofy. When the pot would make me anxious I depended on alcohol to slow me down.
My drinking began to take a toll on my daily life; I would find myself not wanting to get out of bed in the morning and then greeting life with a less that cheerful manner. Often the only way I would feel halfway awake was if I would consume copious amounts of caffeine and sugar. While those two chemical would make me feel more alert I would be left with anxiety and jitteriness, and in their wake a terrible crash with would render me into a deeper state of depression. And thus the cycle would continue—pot, alcohol, caffeine, sugar.
I began to despair. While I did not want to look closely enough at my lifestyle to see the problems, I could not quite get away from the nagging intuition that my life was not right. I would cry out to my Goddess for mercy and grace and help. I would lay in bed sleeplessly begging for guidance. I would sit by my altar and scribble requests on tiny sheets of paper and tuck them into my miniature wailing wall. I would read and read about peace and contentment.
Slowly my Mother began to allow me to see bits of real truth through my tightly, chemically controlled mental landscape. She was merciful with her prodding; my conviction did not overwhelm me or leave me filled with negativity or guilt. She just gently began to allow me to see that my life could be more than this scrabbled searching on the outside for peace. That I could find peace within myself and within Her love for me and our love together.
My first real action toward healing happened one hazy day at the library about a week and a half ago, where I went high and searching for answers. I didn’t have an agenda for visiting, I merely felt the longing to learn and so I wandered the shelves looking. The thought came into my head to look for alternative treatments for depression and I went to the computer to look. I found the right section and began leafing through certain books. I wanted to be selective about what information I chose, as there are many different types of treatments for depression. I sought something that would not just introduce a new chemical to my mind, but one that would take my whole being—body, mind and spirit—and treat the whole of my person. I found one such book and one section particularly caught my eye. It spoke of a syndrome called candidiasis and how this disorder affects not only the body but also the mind. I looked my lifestyle and the symptoms it outlined and saw that there was a very strong likelihood that this could be part of my problem. From there I went on to find another book that delved deeper into the syndrome itself. I brought both of these books home with me along with a cookbook and began my study.
On August 8^th I changed my diet drastically at the suggestion of the literature I was reading. I have since been abstaining from all sugars, yeasts, gluten, caffeine (with the exclusion of green and yerba mate teas), and alcohol. This is a rather drastic change for me seeing as the large majority of my diet has consisted of sugars and bread related products. I also must closely watch my carbohydrate intake, which can be rather tricky being a vegetarian. I have had to edit my vegetarian state to pescetarian (adding fish to my diet).
When I first began this diet I was riddled with doubts, fears, and insecurities about my abilities to abstain from so many different foods. Moreover, I was very concerned about getting sober, as our lifestyle has promoted alcohol use for quite awhile. I found in the first few days of the diet that my biggest craving was not for alcohol though, but for sugar. There would be times that I would be trying to relax and meditate and the only thing I could think about was an ice cream cone.
Also, at the beginning of this transition I had no intention of giving up my pot use. I felt it was my one last vice. I mean, come on! No sugar, no coffee, no breads, hadn’t I given up enough? Yet, as always, in Her utmost gentleness my Mother guided me into another leg of this journey by placing in my heart the desire to get clean as well. The decision to stop smoking pot was a very difficult one, and I still struggle with it daily. I often question if I will be able to keep it up, or if I will smoke occasionally still, for special occasions per say. In my heart I do not know the answer to this yet, but I’m sure that it is there and I will find peace about it. And as for right now, in the present moment on my fourth day of being clean, I have peace in that and that is enough.
If you have persevered long enough to read this offering of honesty I do thank you with my utmost gratitude. I decided to write about these things in this spot because I feel that this part of my journey is important to what this space has been about. I did not feel it was possible to continue to write here without offering up in the barest, most honest way where I am at on my life path. These words are not here to present any type of judgment, but merely to share what is going on in my heart and life at this time. Please be patient with me.

trying to calm my blood

good lord, i don't even know where to start. its been a week since i've posted, a lot has happened in a week. a lot has happened, period. much that i haven't even begun to document here, or anywhere really. and i haven't a clue where to begin. so i'll start with tonight.
earlier in the day i was feeling fine-- like i had a relative grasp on life. and now tonight i am itchy and angsty and my blood is electric. so i am sitting here drinking a cup of chamomile tea, for its calming properties, and trying to chill out (except i'm burning up).
alright, i'm going to make a list of things i would like to write about in more depth:

1. i had to take the kitten to the humane society. i spent a whole day in tears.
2. i finished reading eat, pray, love. it has filled me with all kinds of notions and longings.
3. now i'm reading ordinary magic and it is so, so good.
4. i need to start a more structured meditative practice.
5. i need to clean and organize our house more thoroughly.
6. i've been dealing with depression here lately.
7. i got to see my two childhood best-friends and there families on saturday, july 26th, at the st. louis zoo. that was amazing. i felt so terribly sad to leave them.
8. there was an phenomenal show that came to town recently, the pack a.d. (listen to their music!!), a band from Vancouver, B.C., Canada. my husband set the show up. it kicked ass.
9. i have photos from nashville and stories to tell from that trip.
10. i started guitar lessons.
11. a lot of times i feel like my plate is too full.
12. i could go on and on i'm sure, but i should stop here.
    

Waxing raw.

I have been charting myself, according to the moon. I made a lunar calendar and I scribble on it what I feel on certain days, dreams I experienced, conversations I participated in, that which I created, and things that destroy me. Sometimes I feel so out of this world, I am trying most fervently to get grounded. Enough so that in moments of intense anxiety I don't lose myself over to the grips of unknown fear so great the ground often pitches before me and I begin to feel my internal equilibrium speeding out of control.
I have been dealing with some major anxiety issues here lately. Unless I am very, very mindful my perception of the world is so raw I disassociate to the point of living in practically a separate universe, and if my universe begins to feel threatened I both consciously and subconsciously respond. I have been receding into my shell here lately nearly consciously, I have been unreasonably distrusting of people, I cannot share of myself most of the time. These tendencies of introversion often take me so far into myself that many of my fears become much bigger than they really are and they create a subconscious response-- anxiety. My anxiety attacks are coming more frequently, I shake, feel dizzy, lose touch, race. The only solution is to take my mind back from all the questions and to hold on to something solid, for dear life. A lot of times its Josh that gets me through. He can usually tell when I'm getting sick and we can talk through it. He helps me focus. But even with him I have been a shellfish-- probably moreover with him. He sees me at my worst, and in a way I believe that means that I trust him the most. Not everyone sees the sides of me he does. And he still loves me and I still love him. We are learning through all of this dimness and pain.
Right now the moon is waxing. Or as I like to think of it, growing into the Full Moon. I have only been charting myself for about a month and a half, so the trends are mere whispers. It seems, though, that when the moon is waxing I tend to be more restless. More manic. I have trouble sleeping because my subconscious self is always racing about. I must be moving or processing very fast to feel a bit of release. I tend to be a bit more antisocial. I need time to myself and to my home, cleaning and cooking and sorting things out. And while I recognize my need for these things-- tender self-care, solitude, creative freedom, and rhythm, I have the hardest time standing up and taking responsibility for them. I understand that in order to be in a healthy place mentally I must make the effort to follow that path which I see as necessary, but I struggle so with taking care of myself. This is really starting to take a toll on me, and I worry about the long term affects these tumultuous mental states will have on my personality. I ask for the grace to grow into the person I see is there for me to be. It takes so very much bravery and I am so very weak. So humbly I ask for grace, and sleep tonight.

Epistle

Brothers and Sisters,
I love you. Thank you for your loving kindness. That last post was a difficult to write. I am very insecure at the moment and in those times it is very hard for me to admit my weakness and let others in, because I am very afraid of the possible consequences (is it once bitten twice shy?). I have revisited those lovely comments time and time again. And every time I breathe the wisdom and support in and it goes deeper into the most sincere part of me.
I suppose I have a lot to say right now. And in this moment it feels like I am all right enough for this confession. This admission. This resolution.

1/15/2008-- I have recently begun a personal journey that, though perhaps perceived by others as rather minute, to me is very large, very all-encompassing. I have been a bit timid sharing the details of this journey with others for its subject is a sensitive issue among many. The subject is a sensitive issue to me, and those closest to me. However, I believe in asking the Universe for help, and the All Encompassing does answer, I've come to find these past difficult times.
Also, writing has become an avenue of self-understanding for me and therefore I have decided to write about this journey in this form as a plea for help from the Infinite that cradles me daily.
Since as long as I can remember I have felt things very sincerely, very deeply. The smallest joys leave me euphorically 'high' and in return the most minor woes would cause me to plummet into a depth of personal mourning that I did not understand. As I got older and more emotional situations became more prominent my hyper-emotional state increased.
Through a series of event, much too complex to go into right now, after graduating high school I found myself in a very unhealthy place. This place consisted of a premature marriage between two very self-destructive people (I, myself being one of them), a desolate spiritual plain, and arid social network of support. I found myself slowly fading in every possible way and became very seriously depressed. The darkness of this time in my life was incalculable. If it were not for the constant love and support of my family and a few true friends I shutter to think where I would be now.
Through the dense fog of that depression my mother's love and voice was heard and I chose to seek help outside of myself. I chose to visit a physician that I trusted, I chose to open up despite the pain and receive help. My physician helped me come to terms with the idea that because of a possible genetic predisposition and situational elements I had entered a depressed state. Due to the severity of this mental state and the situation I was in she suggested that I take a prescription anti-depressant. I complied and found that the effect of the prescription gave me enough mental clarity and inner calm to work towards solving the situational aspects of my life that had contributed to this state of depression. That was October of 2005.
---
My life changed drastically in incredible brevity. As I said, I was married a year out of high school. I was divorced a year later. I was lost enough to get married in the wrong time, after it was over I was even more lost. At twenty years old I found myself divorced and learning to live some sort of semblance of a whole life. It was hit or miss, it still is hit or miss.
Anyway.... Recently I have been reevaluating my life. The adaptation is astounding. I find myself more whole and more broken simultaneously. And my understanding of mental health is ever expanding and evolving and in the dead of this horrible grey winter my heart lead me down a narrow winding path of cessation. An inner voice encouraged me to look toward a new direction concerning my mental health and I began to walk slower on an unsteady way. I began weaning myself off of the prescription anti-depressant I was taking. I told my family that I was doing this, and they supported me the best they could. I made sure my lover knew, and my best friends. And they supported me. I found information about this new journey and I tucked it into my heart. Thank God for these people supporting me and this information.
Weaning myself off of these psychotropic drugs was quite possibly one of the hardest things I have ever done. The withdrawal effects were prominent both physically and mentally. Everything seemed to glare with such hard light, I was quite sensitive to sound and light. I began to feel emotions that had long been muted. I got angry and agitated easily. While I was dealing with withdrawal symptoms it was almost easier to deal with the intensity of the emotions I was experiencing, because I could chalk them up to my mind readjusting to its new chemical levels.
Now, as I no longer feel the withdrawal symptoms coping with my new emotional state is challenging, because there is no longer a scapegoat. These are my feelings, they are a product of myself-- physical, mental and spiritual. It is really difficult to accept that responsibility at times.
Here lately I have been feeling angry and fearful. The biggest manifestation of these two emotions is anxiety and depression. When I choose to turn my anger inward and swallow it back into myself a depressed state comes. And when I choose to allow myself to be ruled by fear I suffer from serious bouts of anxiety. I am recognizing that I can make active choices that can change these manifestations of emotions. I am learning how to deal with my anger more constructively. I am also learning how to let go of trying to be in control, because that is where the majority of my fear comes from.
I recently came across a book that I have been reading. In fact, sometimes the only times I am able to release and relax is when I am reading it, one thing that I have written down from it, that is an anthem of this time in my life is this:

Creativity flourishes not in certainty but in questions. Growth germinates not in tent dwelling but in upheaval. Yet the seduction is always security rather than venturing, instant knowing rather than deliberate waiting.
-- Sue Monk Kidd, When the Heart Waits

I am waiting. Constantly, persistently and it is so so hard. But I find reassurance in this:

Contemplative waiting is consenting to be where we really are. People recoil from it because they don't want to be present to themselves. Such waiting causes a deep existential loneliness to surface, a feeling of being disconnected from oneself and God. At the depths there is fear, fear of the dark chaos with in ourselves.
--When the Heart Waits

So basically, darlings, I am a mess. But! I love you and I am here now. Blessings to you and yours. You are beautiful and I wish I could kiss each of you on your forehead.

Yours completely,
Maggie Ann.

The wallpaper on my computer right now.
Photograph by Josh, just the other day.
It says so much.