Come to me,

When I find myself in times of trouble
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
And in my hour of darkness
She is standing right in front of me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
Let it be, let it be.
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.

And when the broken hearted people
Living in the world agree,
There will be an answer, let it be.
For though they may be parted there is
Still a chance that they will see
There will be an answer, let it be.
Let it be, let it be. Yeah
There will be an answer, let it be.

And when the night is cloudy,
There is still a light that shines on me,
Shine on until tomorrow, let it be.
I wake up to the sound of music
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
Let it be, let it be.
There will be an answer, let it be.
Let it be, let it be,
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be

(lyrics to let it be by the beatles)

Untitled Grief

It was after walking into the kitchen to say, "We have a new filter, so drink all the water you want." It was after saying that, to my mom, and then standing together, in the kitchen, that she began. My papaw has cancer. She said earlier in the day her sister had called with the news. A tumor, on the side of his head. A rare form, Adenoid cystic carcinoma. Already the tumor has fingers. There will be test done to see if his lung can withstand an 18 hour operation. My papaw, who suffers already from emphysema and Alzheimer's. If not the operation, then radiation. It is not known if the cancer has spread into his lymphatic system.
It was while standing in my kitchen I heard this. And I looked into my mother's pale blue eyes the whole time. Saying after she finished, this sounds pretty bad. She agreed. Then we moved along the linoleum floor, her mentioning something about my hair. Noticing its unkempt state. The subject changed, and now every thing's changed.
Not long after she and my dad left with their pup, the one we watched tonight. And then we pressed play on the show we had paused and finished it later still. My mind though, was there and back, and to and fro. And finally after the show was finished my tears fell, and I bit my lips. Josh saw and asked about them. I spoke of the news, in between breaths. I spoke of the sadness of my papaw's life, and how I wish (oh, how I wish) he could have been happier. Every thing's changed and I feel its shift. The pain of growing and feeling sorrow for that growth, those things we cannot control, that we do not understand and cannot change.

All the slime.

As Anne Lamott says, I feel as though the sun is burning out and we are all drowning in the slime. My heart hurts from intense fear and misunderstanding. I don't understand the destruction that is all around and it scares me. I don't understand why there are some people in this world that are so bound and determined to destroy it. I'm scared of the future.
And on top of all that, I have this friend who I feel is hurting immensely. Who is making some very unhealthy choices. Choices that hurt her body and mind and heart. And my heart is breaking because I don't think I can love her enough to make it better. And I have no idea how to make it better. And I just want her to be alright. I want us all to be alright.

Epistle

Brothers and Sisters,
I love you. Thank you for your loving kindness. That last post was a difficult to write. I am very insecure at the moment and in those times it is very hard for me to admit my weakness and let others in, because I am very afraid of the possible consequences (is it once bitten twice shy?). I have revisited those lovely comments time and time again. And every time I breathe the wisdom and support in and it goes deeper into the most sincere part of me.
I suppose I have a lot to say right now. And in this moment it feels like I am all right enough for this confession. This admission. This resolution.

1/15/2008-- I have recently begun a personal journey that, though perhaps perceived by others as rather minute, to me is very large, very all-encompassing. I have been a bit timid sharing the details of this journey with others for its subject is a sensitive issue among many. The subject is a sensitive issue to me, and those closest to me. However, I believe in asking the Universe for help, and the All Encompassing does answer, I've come to find these past difficult times.
Also, writing has become an avenue of self-understanding for me and therefore I have decided to write about this journey in this form as a plea for help from the Infinite that cradles me daily.
Since as long as I can remember I have felt things very sincerely, very deeply. The smallest joys leave me euphorically 'high' and in return the most minor woes would cause me to plummet into a depth of personal mourning that I did not understand. As I got older and more emotional situations became more prominent my hyper-emotional state increased.
Through a series of event, much too complex to go into right now, after graduating high school I found myself in a very unhealthy place. This place consisted of a premature marriage between two very self-destructive people (I, myself being one of them), a desolate spiritual plain, and arid social network of support. I found myself slowly fading in every possible way and became very seriously depressed. The darkness of this time in my life was incalculable. If it were not for the constant love and support of my family and a few true friends I shutter to think where I would be now.
Through the dense fog of that depression my mother's love and voice was heard and I chose to seek help outside of myself. I chose to visit a physician that I trusted, I chose to open up despite the pain and receive help. My physician helped me come to terms with the idea that because of a possible genetic predisposition and situational elements I had entered a depressed state. Due to the severity of this mental state and the situation I was in she suggested that I take a prescription anti-depressant. I complied and found that the effect of the prescription gave me enough mental clarity and inner calm to work towards solving the situational aspects of my life that had contributed to this state of depression. That was October of 2005.
---
My life changed drastically in incredible brevity. As I said, I was married a year out of high school. I was divorced a year later. I was lost enough to get married in the wrong time, after it was over I was even more lost. At twenty years old I found myself divorced and learning to live some sort of semblance of a whole life. It was hit or miss, it still is hit or miss.
Anyway.... Recently I have been reevaluating my life. The adaptation is astounding. I find myself more whole and more broken simultaneously. And my understanding of mental health is ever expanding and evolving and in the dead of this horrible grey winter my heart lead me down a narrow winding path of cessation. An inner voice encouraged me to look toward a new direction concerning my mental health and I began to walk slower on an unsteady way. I began weaning myself off of the prescription anti-depressant I was taking. I told my family that I was doing this, and they supported me the best they could. I made sure my lover knew, and my best friends. And they supported me. I found information about this new journey and I tucked it into my heart. Thank God for these people supporting me and this information.
Weaning myself off of these psychotropic drugs was quite possibly one of the hardest things I have ever done. The withdrawal effects were prominent both physically and mentally. Everything seemed to glare with such hard light, I was quite sensitive to sound and light. I began to feel emotions that had long been muted. I got angry and agitated easily. While I was dealing with withdrawal symptoms it was almost easier to deal with the intensity of the emotions I was experiencing, because I could chalk them up to my mind readjusting to its new chemical levels.
Now, as I no longer feel the withdrawal symptoms coping with my new emotional state is challenging, because there is no longer a scapegoat. These are my feelings, they are a product of myself-- physical, mental and spiritual. It is really difficult to accept that responsibility at times.
Here lately I have been feeling angry and fearful. The biggest manifestation of these two emotions is anxiety and depression. When I choose to turn my anger inward and swallow it back into myself a depressed state comes. And when I choose to allow myself to be ruled by fear I suffer from serious bouts of anxiety. I am recognizing that I can make active choices that can change these manifestations of emotions. I am learning how to deal with my anger more constructively. I am also learning how to let go of trying to be in control, because that is where the majority of my fear comes from.
I recently came across a book that I have been reading. In fact, sometimes the only times I am able to release and relax is when I am reading it, one thing that I have written down from it, that is an anthem of this time in my life is this:

Creativity flourishes not in certainty but in questions. Growth germinates not in tent dwelling but in upheaval. Yet the seduction is always security rather than venturing, instant knowing rather than deliberate waiting.
-- Sue Monk Kidd, When the Heart Waits

I am waiting. Constantly, persistently and it is so so hard. But I find reassurance in this:

Contemplative waiting is consenting to be where we really are. People recoil from it because they don't want to be present to themselves. Such waiting causes a deep existential loneliness to surface, a feeling of being disconnected from oneself and God. At the depths there is fear, fear of the dark chaos with in ourselves.
--When the Heart Waits

So basically, darlings, I am a mess. But! I love you and I am here now. Blessings to you and yours. You are beautiful and I wish I could kiss each of you on your forehead.

Yours completely,
Maggie Ann.

The wallpaper on my computer right now.
Photograph by Josh, just the other day.
It says so much.

Afternoon:

Hello. Its been a long while since I've written words to this space. To be blatantly honest, which I find more and more is not the easiest, but it ultimately the best policy, I have not been doing well. Even now as I write I am feeling the symptoms of overwhelming anxiety-- shortness of breath, muscle tension, and chest pain. These symptoms, among other, have been my constant companion as of late. I feel ashamed of them, and have not really gone into great detail with anyone about how they are affecting me. Physically, it seems, my body is dealing with something my mind cannot. There is a separation between the two, a definite dichotomy and I worry about this. I understand mentally that something is not all right, and my body is coping the best it knows how. I have been enduring a constant state of anxiety, which as I have read is a constant state of fight or flight. It seems action would be a logical response to this, but I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. To be blunt.
I am lost, I think. It seems that I have reached a point in my life where certain decision need to be made, a turning point of sorts. And yet, I am immobilized with fear and I don't know where to go to find sanctuary, it seems that these overwhelming emotions of displacement follow me wherever, through whatever I am doing. The need for solitude has been overwhelming here lately. I can feel it in ever molecule in my body. The need to be alone. All alone. Just me and the space I abide in. And I feel guilty for this as well. Society, as it stands, does not offer much grace. And the need to be alone is something that is frowned upon. You are shirking responsibilities if you need to be alone, you are running away, you are letting someone who needs you down. And yet, I feel that I may go crazy if I do not find some solitude soon, because I need to be with myself, I need to take responsibility for myself, I need to run to myself.
So, now I see, I have been in a sort of denial. I have had that answer of sanctuary all along-- solitude. But what do I do with that, how do I act upon that responsibly? I can't just run away. I do have those responsibilities that cannot be shirked, I do have people to care for. What do I do? Has anyone out there felt these things before. Does anyone have any advice? I am hurting, and this has been hard to admit, and I believe the depth of this pain is something I cannot fully come to terms with at the moment. I am asking for help.