Come to me,

When I find myself in times of trouble
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
And in my hour of darkness
She is standing right in front of me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
Let it be, let it be.
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.

And when the broken hearted people
Living in the world agree,
There will be an answer, let it be.
For though they may be parted there is
Still a chance that they will see
There will be an answer, let it be.
Let it be, let it be. Yeah
There will be an answer, let it be.

And when the night is cloudy,
There is still a light that shines on me,
Shine on until tomorrow, let it be.
I wake up to the sound of music
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
Let it be, let it be.
There will be an answer, let it be.
Let it be, let it be,
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be

(lyrics to let it be by the beatles)

Untitled Grief

It was after walking into the kitchen to say, "We have a new filter, so drink all the water you want." It was after saying that, to my mom, and then standing together, in the kitchen, that she began. My papaw has cancer. She said earlier in the day her sister had called with the news. A tumor, on the side of his head. A rare form, Adenoid cystic carcinoma. Already the tumor has fingers. There will be test done to see if his lung can withstand an 18 hour operation. My papaw, who suffers already from emphysema and Alzheimer's. If not the operation, then radiation. It is not known if the cancer has spread into his lymphatic system.
It was while standing in my kitchen I heard this. And I looked into my mother's pale blue eyes the whole time. Saying after she finished, this sounds pretty bad. She agreed. Then we moved along the linoleum floor, her mentioning something about my hair. Noticing its unkempt state. The subject changed, and now every thing's changed.
Not long after she and my dad left with their pup, the one we watched tonight. And then we pressed play on the show we had paused and finished it later still. My mind though, was there and back, and to and fro. And finally after the show was finished my tears fell, and I bit my lips. Josh saw and asked about them. I spoke of the news, in between breaths. I spoke of the sadness of my papaw's life, and how I wish (oh, how I wish) he could have been happier. Every thing's changed and I feel its shift. The pain of growing and feeling sorrow for that growth, those things we cannot control, that we do not understand and cannot change.

All the slime.

As Anne Lamott says, I feel as though the sun is burning out and we are all drowning in the slime. My heart hurts from intense fear and misunderstanding. I don't understand the destruction that is all around and it scares me. I don't understand why there are some people in this world that are so bound and determined to destroy it. I'm scared of the future.
And on top of all that, I have this friend who I feel is hurting immensely. Who is making some very unhealthy choices. Choices that hurt her body and mind and heart. And my heart is breaking because I don't think I can love her enough to make it better. And I have no idea how to make it better. And I just want her to be alright. I want us all to be alright.