Week End

$13 dollars worth of food from our local farmer's market, aka-- another reason to love the Midwest.

Friday I worked like a mad woman, moving our bedroom and computer rooms to each the other. In the midst of trying to move our computer table, by myself, through a doorway a bit too small I question to myself why I am doing this? And then I remember, I am my mother's daughter and she was/is always rearranging furniture (by herself). I take these movements as a positive sign that my mood is lifting. I am feeling more motivated, and inspired.
Saturday morning we got up early and I made us a yummy breakfast of scrambled tofu with sauteed veggies. Then we walked to our local farmer's market and purchased a bag full of fresh organic produce for a mere $13. I was utterly thrilled. That night we had my parents over for dinner and visiting time. It is odd that though we live in the same small town sometimes we go weeks without seeing them. It was very, very nice to catch up. I fixed a vegetarian dinner with some of the yummies we got from the farmer's market-- grilled eggplant, steamed herb/garlic veggies, and steamed chili/cinnamon sweet potatoes. Mom and dad also brought us a love-seat they had purchased at a local auction, we put it in the newly rearranged computer room because we watch a lot of programming on the internet since we refuse to pay for television programming. We subscribe to Netflix instead and go to the library a lot.
Saturday evening we sat together and began watching the documentary Country Boys by David Sutherland. Which was an interesting experience that I may write more about later.

Sunday was slow, I had a rather down day. So I was gentle with myself and allowed for some quiet time laying in the shade and dappled sunlight, in my hammock. I started reading Love, Stargirl. I am very excited about having this book from the library. The book Stargirl, both by Jerry Spinelli, was an revolutionary experience for me years ago. I have since read it multiple times and look forward to this sequel. We spent lots of time with our fur-babies this weekend. And now I will begin to share some of those precious moments.The Handsome Devil, Barrett.

The Sweet Serious, Delilah.

Big sister, lil' brother.

Monday we traveled southward to Josh's parent's house for a family gathering. It was an enjoyable time. Many times these family gatherings are centered around food, moreover bbq meat, and honestly this often leads to me feeling a bit tense about the visit. Today was no different. As we pulled up to see smoke billowing out of the grill I took a deep breath and tried not to worry. Thankfully there were options for me to eat, a couple of different salads, some sweet potatoes, and a vegetarian lasagna. Everything was very tasteful. I was quite thankful for the meal. And yet, I feel right now a bit hungover, as there was a lot more sugar in the food than I have been cooking with (as I have not been cooking with any sugar). I also let down my guard and indulged in a dessert, which I have not done at all lately. While I don't feel guilty about these choices, I am very aware at how my body is responding to these substances-- sugar, gluten, and dairy. This diet journey that I am on is so very complex and tiresome at times. I can only hope that I am able to grow into it, and begin to feel more comfortable and grounded in the choices I make about what goes into my body.
Josh and I had a very touching moment with his grandma. She had mentioned that she wanted to pass down some of her Christmas things to us grandkids (and gradkids by proxy). So we went with her to her shed and went through decorations that she has had for years and years. We aquired some charming and kitschy things. And as I expressed my gratitude and we hugged I felt so much love.
We took our little ones to the gathering. It was adorable to see them so excited. As soon as Josh put on their collars (we usually let them be wild little dogs, naked, with no collar), and carried down their kennels (for nap time) they were running and jumping around us as we went through gathing our stuff for the trip. They kept going and sitting by the door, so we couldn't possibly forget about them when we headed out (as if)! Having them at the gathering was very eye opening in the respect that I was made aware of how protective I am of them. How I view them very much as my children. If someone would reprimand them or respond negatively toward them I would grow agitated. Mostly they behaved very well. They are good dogs. They seemed to enjoy themselves quite a bit, being in the country and being able to run around in the big yard without leases. I love having them be able to experience different things. By the end of the day we were all spent and headed home in a daze of lethargy. The little ones slept in the back seat, and I unconsciously fell off into a doze in the front with poor Josh who had to drive.
Now the weekend is nearly over, I feel sleepy, achey, but yet optimistic. On the days that don't go quite as positively as I would like I have been consoling myself with someting sweet Anne of Green Gables said, "Tomorrow is always fresh, with no mistakes in it." I will go to sleep beside the man I love whole heartedly, with our little ones dreaming at our feets, and I will wake up to a blank slate, ready to be painted however I would like. That is a very reassuring thought. I will hold it close to me as I drift off here in a few minutes. Until next time, here is something so charming I must share it with you.

The $kills to Pay the Bills

...With their cuteness!
(and yes, I got the title from the Beasties)

Mr. Barrett Zane-- 5 Months

Miss Delilah Fae-- 2 years & 5ish months

Being home this week has allowed me to spend quite a bit of quality time with our dearest little monsters. And I must exclaim-- How lucky we are! Please forgive me while I brag. Our doggins are so, so sweet. Sometimes I just can't believe we've been so blessed. They each have their own (BIG) personalities. Barrett is this curious (as in, into everysingle thing), goofy one. Delilah is the sensitive, serious one. We swear sometimes Delilah shames us for laughing at her. Both are so loyal and loving. Each enjoys being as close to us as possible, although there are times when Delilah would rather be on her own, we call that DeeDee time.
When we got Barrett at the beginning of this year we were worried about how Delilah would handle it. Let's just say, being an only "child," she was rather spoiled. Things couldn't have gone better, I believe. In these past months Delilah and Barrett's relationship has grown so positively. Delilah has gotten out of herself a bit more, allowing more house guests to touch her and what not (she used to tease and flirt, but would hardly let anyone outside of her trusted few pet her). And it is so, so nice for Barrett to grow up with an older dog there to teach him the ropes. They get along great, for the most part. Delilah has become much more playful with Barrett. Recently she has even allowed him to wash her ears for her (a big step). There are times, when she's sleepy, that she doesn't want him touching her, and he respects that and cuddles up with whoever is free. All in all it seems they have a typical "brother/sister" relationship.
We are unbelievable thankful for our little family!

(Photos by Josh, but they are on my flickr because he can't remember how to login to his :)

Untitled Grief

It was after walking into the kitchen to say, "We have a new filter, so drink all the water you want." It was after saying that, to my mom, and then standing together, in the kitchen, that she began. My papaw has cancer. She said earlier in the day her sister had called with the news. A tumor, on the side of his head. A rare form, Adenoid cystic carcinoma. Already the tumor has fingers. There will be test done to see if his lung can withstand an 18 hour operation. My papaw, who suffers already from emphysema and Alzheimer's. If not the operation, then radiation. It is not known if the cancer has spread into his lymphatic system.
It was while standing in my kitchen I heard this. And I looked into my mother's pale blue eyes the whole time. Saying after she finished, this sounds pretty bad. She agreed. Then we moved along the linoleum floor, her mentioning something about my hair. Noticing its unkempt state. The subject changed, and now every thing's changed.
Not long after she and my dad left with their pup, the one we watched tonight. And then we pressed play on the show we had paused and finished it later still. My mind though, was there and back, and to and fro. And finally after the show was finished my tears fell, and I bit my lips. Josh saw and asked about them. I spoke of the news, in between breaths. I spoke of the sadness of my papaw's life, and how I wish (oh, how I wish) he could have been happier. Every thing's changed and I feel its shift. The pain of growing and feeling sorrow for that growth, those things we cannot control, that we do not understand and cannot change.

On nights like these we see, clearly.

April 27th, 2008

When I look to the mirror I see our infancy,
how we are all just learning;
to love &
to live &
to be in this broken place we have found ourselves--
painful searing beauty that can kill us as fast as it
can make us alive.

When smiling was easier,

A photographic look at a time when I had it in me to take photographs, it was easier to enjoy the moment, all we needed were stocking caps to keep warm, and smiling was easier.

Time: Before it got so cold.
Place: Thousand Hills State Park
Purpose: Photograph my incredible brother, longboarding, bombing hills.
Cast and Crew: Joshua (amazing husband/photographer extraordinaire), Evan (incredible brother/fearless longboarder), Delilah Fae (canine confidant in crime), myself (bumbling love fool).

All photographs courtesy of my husband, because I shot old skool 120 B&W film that day, and have yet to process it. Thanks darling, for your kickin' documentary skillz. You rock my world.

That is Delilah's butt.