When it rains.

The culprit.Today's character was blatant in its polarity. One bit of good news, a few bits of bad. One step forward, two steps back. The good news, after following a bit of intuition concerning my school standing I made yet another phone call to the campus office and was informed that I could, in fact, register. This is in spite of previous information I had been given about the situation (which said I could not). I am the wee-est bit disenchanted with the way in which the communications are handled between student and administration, hopefully this will improve with time. Anyway hooray! I am now officially a college student once again. My courses for this quarter are Ethics and Statistics for Behavior and Natural Sciences. I am quite excited. 

I began dinner with spirits high-- jovial about my admittance to classes and optimistic about a new recipe I was trying out for dinner (vegan scalloped potatoes). In the midst of pre-dinner preparation Josh got home and I ask how his day was. It was not good. He had a bad evaluation. There is a vice-president who has it in for him and she's been spreading negative feedback around the school about his performance as a photographer. Very frustrating, unfair and unwarranted. This began to weigh on me as I finished up dinner.

Right before we sat down to dinner our pup, Barrett (pictured), vomited twice. We cleaned up the messes, cleaned up ourselves, and sat down to our meal. Throughout dinner Barrett continued to vomit. This dampened our appetites. We attended to him, holding him and comforting him as he continued to vomit. It was alarming how sudden the sickness came on. We looked through some information online, there are so many possible reasons for this reaction in pups... It doesn't help that he has a tendency to be a bit of a scavenger. All we could do was wait it out and make sure he stayed hydrated. The worry settled heavier still.

We had a movie to return, so I did that while Josh attended to the puppy. By the time I returned home Barrett seemed to be on the up swing. As I write he has yet to vomited again and is resting comfortably on our loveseat. I am thankful for this. As I reflect back on the evening it is amazing how quickly things can dilapitate. And in the midst of the trial at hand it seems as though there is no end in sight. But really, there will always be an end, and then a new beginning. And ultimately, the potatoes were delicious. They sit in the fridge and wait to be eaten under better circumstances.

Week End

$13 dollars worth of food from our local farmer's market, aka-- another reason to love the Midwest.

Friday I worked like a mad woman, moving our bedroom and computer rooms to each the other. In the midst of trying to move our computer table, by myself, through a doorway a bit too small I question to myself why I am doing this? And then I remember, I am my mother's daughter and she was/is always rearranging furniture (by herself). I take these movements as a positive sign that my mood is lifting. I am feeling more motivated, and inspired.
Saturday morning we got up early and I made us a yummy breakfast of scrambled tofu with sauteed veggies. Then we walked to our local farmer's market and purchased a bag full of fresh organic produce for a mere $13. I was utterly thrilled. That night we had my parents over for dinner and visiting time. It is odd that though we live in the same small town sometimes we go weeks without seeing them. It was very, very nice to catch up. I fixed a vegetarian dinner with some of the yummies we got from the farmer's market-- grilled eggplant, steamed herb/garlic veggies, and steamed chili/cinnamon sweet potatoes. Mom and dad also brought us a love-seat they had purchased at a local auction, we put it in the newly rearranged computer room because we watch a lot of programming on the internet since we refuse to pay for television programming. We subscribe to Netflix instead and go to the library a lot.
Saturday evening we sat together and began watching the documentary Country Boys by David Sutherland. Which was an interesting experience that I may write more about later.

Sunday was slow, I had a rather down day. So I was gentle with myself and allowed for some quiet time laying in the shade and dappled sunlight, in my hammock. I started reading Love, Stargirl. I am very excited about having this book from the library. The book Stargirl, both by Jerry Spinelli, was an revolutionary experience for me years ago. I have since read it multiple times and look forward to this sequel. We spent lots of time with our fur-babies this weekend. And now I will begin to share some of those precious moments.The Handsome Devil, Barrett.

The Sweet Serious, Delilah.

Big sister, lil' brother.

Monday we traveled southward to Josh's parent's house for a family gathering. It was an enjoyable time. Many times these family gatherings are centered around food, moreover bbq meat, and honestly this often leads to me feeling a bit tense about the visit. Today was no different. As we pulled up to see smoke billowing out of the grill I took a deep breath and tried not to worry. Thankfully there were options for me to eat, a couple of different salads, some sweet potatoes, and a vegetarian lasagna. Everything was very tasteful. I was quite thankful for the meal. And yet, I feel right now a bit hungover, as there was a lot more sugar in the food than I have been cooking with (as I have not been cooking with any sugar). I also let down my guard and indulged in a dessert, which I have not done at all lately. While I don't feel guilty about these choices, I am very aware at how my body is responding to these substances-- sugar, gluten, and dairy. This diet journey that I am on is so very complex and tiresome at times. I can only hope that I am able to grow into it, and begin to feel more comfortable and grounded in the choices I make about what goes into my body.
Josh and I had a very touching moment with his grandma. She had mentioned that she wanted to pass down some of her Christmas things to us grandkids (and gradkids by proxy). So we went with her to her shed and went through decorations that she has had for years and years. We aquired some charming and kitschy things. And as I expressed my gratitude and we hugged I felt so much love.
We took our little ones to the gathering. It was adorable to see them so excited. As soon as Josh put on their collars (we usually let them be wild little dogs, naked, with no collar), and carried down their kennels (for nap time) they were running and jumping around us as we went through gathing our stuff for the trip. They kept going and sitting by the door, so we couldn't possibly forget about them when we headed out (as if)! Having them at the gathering was very eye opening in the respect that I was made aware of how protective I am of them. How I view them very much as my children. If someone would reprimand them or respond negatively toward them I would grow agitated. Mostly they behaved very well. They are good dogs. They seemed to enjoy themselves quite a bit, being in the country and being able to run around in the big yard without leases. I love having them be able to experience different things. By the end of the day we were all spent and headed home in a daze of lethargy. The little ones slept in the back seat, and I unconsciously fell off into a doze in the front with poor Josh who had to drive.
Now the weekend is nearly over, I feel sleepy, achey, but yet optimistic. On the days that don't go quite as positively as I would like I have been consoling myself with someting sweet Anne of Green Gables said, "Tomorrow is always fresh, with no mistakes in it." I will go to sleep beside the man I love whole heartedly, with our little ones dreaming at our feets, and I will wake up to a blank slate, ready to be painted however I would like. That is a very reassuring thought. I will hold it close to me as I drift off here in a few minutes. Until next time, here is something so charming I must share it with you.

the chaos and the fury

an interesting exchange happened at work today. i was sitting at the front desk (like i always do), reading newsweek magazine in between answer the telephone and other menial tasks. my boss comes up behind me and notices this article, which i was currently turned to (and had just started reading). the article was titled,

HEALTH | TRUE OR FALSE

The Obese Should Have to Pay More For Airline Tickets

my boss read the caption and then began in on a diatribe containing his personal opinion, mixed with certain media coverage that he had seen. within this discourse between my boss, a medical student that was standing at the desk, and myself such terms as gallons per lbs., physics, and utter silence (on my part) were thrown around. that is until someone alluded to the face that weight challenged persons have a difficult time controlling their body odor, and that personal hygiene was also a factor in the decision to prejudice against those who are already stereotyped and persecuted for their differences. that is when i could hold my silence no longer. i said calmly, and in a steady voice (completely opposite of the emotions i was feeling inside of myself), "That is a terrible thing to say." i went on to say that some of my very close loved ones have a personal struggle with weight and i don't care about terms such as physics and miles per pounds, you cannot exclude thae fact that we are talking about human beings, and they deserve more respect and compassion than what was happening in that personal conversation and what is happening in the global industry of flight.
after i voiced my opinion, both my boss and the medical student that was in on the conversation began to try and cover their asses' (so to speak). their egos would not allow them to apologize for their condescension or negativity. they were merely left to struggle with a defense-- lots of stumbling, back-tracking, and ill-logic happened. luckily this discourse happened toward the end of my shift and i was able to leave before having to endure much more negative energy.
as i was leaving work my boss said something along the lines as, "i value you opinion maggie." and under my breath i said something along the lines of, "yeah, i can sure tell."
i was so shaken up after that. left asking questions like, "how do i end up in situations like this, where i must speak my peace or else?" i'm not sure yet the answers... all i can say is there must be a reason...

i can iz has your soul?

a week ago today i found this kitten. it was the morning of the new moon, very early morning, that i woke up to hear a kitten screaming. in the throes of mid-night stupor i convinced myself that i was dreaming and/or hallucinating (the dark and i have a very volatile relationship). i eventually fell back to sleep.
around 9 a.m. the dogs and i are laying in bed and i hear the kitten screaming again. i get out of bed, put my clogs on and meander outside to see if i can tell where all this squalling is coming from.
i decide it is coming from beneath the semi-trailer that is parked next door to our house at the fireworks' stand. sure enough, as i make my way in that directions (in my pajamas) i see that there is a tiny black kitten sitting, screaming under the trailer. as i come up on it, the little creature hissed and darted into an outside corner of the building. i am able to scoop the mess up.
and believe me-- mess. this tiny monster has consumed my life with mess. when i found him he was wet from the nights storm, covered in cocklebur's, and stinking from diarrhea. i wrapped it in a towel and called josh.
i started the conversation with, "i found something." my husband is a smart man, and from those three words he pretty much knew the direction this conversation was taking. i told him the story, and we concluded that we would try to get it to eat. still wrapped in its towel, the kitten and i made our way around town, gathering the needed items for it's basic care-- food, kitten milk, litter, and a litter box. i set up kitty-kamp in the bathroom, away from the dogs.
i then changed my clothes, went to work, and scoured the internet for abandoned-kitten care sites. thank goodness for the internet. i was able to find a plethora of important information, which then led me to the vet after work that day. if abandoned kittens are experiencing diarrhea, the sites made clear, you should take them to the vet for a once over. at the vet i learned the kitten had a case of the 'bad-poops,' was malnourished (weighing approx. 1.1lbs), was maybe 6 weeks old, and was male. the vet:

• wormed the kitten
• prescribed me antibiotic
• prescribed something for it's intestines
• charged me nearly $50
• said we'd need a check-up
• gave me 6 free cans of food

i formed an intense kitty-care routine. which i will spare you. lets just say, i have been elbow deep in poopies, baths, scratches, food, and snuggles for seven days. today, on this one week marker, i feel insane. this is a very hard role to fill. i can see minute improvements, but things are still sooooo hard. my compassion is faltering on resentment as i endure the scratches during bath times, which happen frequently because of the kitten's bowel trouble/complications.
i am trying to see the grace, feel the grace, to pursue this. i wrote a letter to the big Mama, telling her that i am lost and hurting and need love to experience this. and clever Gal she is, the levels of grace i am feeling ARE magnifying, in the smallest most precious ways-- a call from a friend, the ability to write about it, and the acknowledgment that this is a lot, and this is enough. i feel it imperative to take better care of myself tonight. sort of regroup. tonight i will bathe not only the kitten's wounds, by also my own. and perhaps more grace will blossom around them. there is a check-up tomorrow, and we'll go from there.

Sadhvis and Sadhus-- Explaination for Recalculation

The Laughing Sadhvis originally uploaded by Captian Suresh.

Since stumbling across this photograph on flickr, today, I have been mesmerized by image after image of the "good men & women" known in the Hindu religion as Sadhvis (female) and Sadhus (male). Wikipedia states:

In Hinduism, sadhu is a common term for an ascetic or practitioner of yoga (yogi) who has given up pursuit of the first three Hindu goals of life: kama (enjoyment), artha (practical objectives) and even dharma (duty). The sadhu is solely dedicated to achieving moksha (liberation) through meditation and contemplation of God. Sadhus often wear ochre-colored clothing, symbolizing renunciation...

The Sanskrit terms sādhu ("good man") and sādhvī ("good woman") refer to renouncers who have chosen to live a life apart from or on the edges of society in order to focus on their own spiritual practice.^[1]

The words come from the Sanskrit root sādh, which means "reach one's goal", "make straight", or "gain power over".^[2] The same root is used in the word sādhana, which means "spiritual practice".

This information, as well as a book I have been reading about Voluntary Simplicity have really sparked a tiny bit of heat within my heart. The ideas that they offer about a different way of living appeal to me on such a deep level I feel the first stirring of an enthusiasm I have long felt detached from.
It was even just today, over dinner, that I started talking to Josh about how jilted I felt with my environment. About how nothing excited me anymore, because things seem so very meaningless. And it is the truth, the things that I spend my time on are for the most part meaningless! They are trivial measures to stave off the unhappiness I feel living differently from how I feel in my heart to live.
One such measure is the time I have come to spend on the internet here recently. While the positive aspects of online education and community are great, there is also the abyss of time wasting that can come about through this portal. I am too scared to add up the hours I spend mindlessly surfing around, trying to stave off boredom and discomfort, while really my mind is practically asleep the whole time. I have recently noticed that my attention span is minute compared to what it used to be since I have been spending extra time online. I have simply fell into a rut and it is affecting my life in a manner that I am very displeased with.
Therefore I will be monitoring my internet time very closely for awhile. I will not say how long, as I do not want to make unnecessary rules for myself. Moreover, I am not banning myself from the internet, merely committing to be more conscious about the time I spend here. Mostly I am going to listen closely to my heart, about how I feel deeply inside me concerning time management.
I believe I will still be updating regularly in this space, as it is such a positive way to release some of my innermost thoughts, dreams, and ideas. It will be tough to get on here and just do those things which are meaningful, its easy to get caught up in link after link! However, I feel that this is possible.
Tomorrow I am going to try to rise earlier, my tea kettle (a.k.a. coffee maker) is prepped and set to delay brew at 7:30am. I am going to begin my day with chai, the very beverage that led me to my first image, earlier today, of a Sadhus. And from there I hope to consciously change the atmosphere of our home by cleaning and continuing my purge toward simplicity. The ultimate goal is a yard sale on Saturday! I'll keep you posted on progress. Until next time, my thoughts and loves go forth to you all.