Happy Halloween!

Our treat, and yours, a bowl full of Arlo! So much sweeter than candy, yum yum.

Releasing the shame.

Rest: Arlo and Josh.

My heart has been broken multiple times today by the beauty of our son. Yesterday was a hard day. For some reason that was lost on both Josh and me Arlo was having a hard time with this world. He was inconsolable for long stretches at a time, crying to us for understanding. And we tried, we tried everything that we knew to do, and things that had been suggested by others. We rocked, we nursed, we burped, we changed diapers, we walked, we swayed, we sang, we bathed. There would be occasional breaks in the cries and then they would begin again. At one point late in the evening, probably around 1:30am I became so frustrated I could have cried. Josh came upstairs shortly after that point and I said, "I can't do any more." Josh rocked Arlo and eventually he fell asleep for the night, waking peacefully to nurse at regular intervals.

I remember that feeling of frustration scaring me as I experienced it. It was powerful and intense. It made me feel out of control. It also made me feel shame, that I am bad for experiencing it, today even more so.

Arlo woke up happy today, smiling despite obvious bouts of intestinal gas that would make him squirm and whine. We have been communicating so much better today. Especially since adding a new aspect to our relationship. Yesterday I began working with Arlo and elimination communication (read about the practice here). I have continued with our work today, catching quite a few pees in the potty. So, today Arlo has slept, went potty, nursed, went potty, had awake time, had moby time, etc. When he has cried we have been able to soothe him thus far. This has made the frustration I felt late last night seem all the more worse.

I soak in his beauty today and my heart breaks that I could have felt such strong negativity in the throes of mental and physical exhaustion. And yet, I truly believe that this must be natural. Everything in life is ebb and flow. And we are all learning so many new things these days-- Josh, Arlo, and I. So many new things that it would be impossible to have this parenting thing down perfectly. Furthermore, I don't think that our parenting will ever be "perfect," but it is and will be full of love, mindfulness, and most importantly forgiveness.

I have apologized to Arlo for the frustration that clouded my heart last night. Now, I must forgive myself and allow this to move along through my stream of consciousness, taking from it the lessons I am to gain and releasing the shame. I am not bad, I am learning.

I remember reading this post by Andrea Scher awhile ago regarding the difference between guilt and shame, how guilt says, "I've done something bad" and how shame says, "I am bad." It resonated strongly with me when I read it because I have come to find that I have spent the majority of my life living in a deep state of shame. Situations I have been a part of, actions I have taken-- if they turn out negatively, if they bring about embarrassment, if they are not "perfect" I tend to bombard myself with shame self-talk. Andrea states that,

I'm noticing that the truth is not so bad. What's hard are the untruths we tell ourselves every day. You are stupid, you are incompetent, you are not enough.... That is the painful stuff.

She is so right, to be present in those moments is hard but to remain in them by shaming yourself for them is even more painful, it is like pestering an open would-- they'll never heal if you can't let them be.

At a recent gathering with the wonderful tribe of mamas I have come to call my friends we had a releasing ceremony for this autumnal time of shedding. We each wrote our item for release on a piece of elephant poo paper, because as one mama said "Sometimes you just have to get the shit out," and we set them aflame releasing those things we wanted to shift in our lives. I released the guilt that I feel so often when I listen to the outside voices regarding mothering, the voices that make me doubt my instinct and intuition. I recognize that these voices are not true.

During the final days of my pregnancy, when Arlo was two weeks late and counting, there were such loud voices of doubt, worry, and fear all around us. And then there would be these brief thoughts that would be spoken by a voice inside me. These thoughts would be so unfamiliar in respect to the "other voices." One that came was something that said this time of waiting and trusting was my early labor, which proved true as my active labor was only 6.5 hours long. Once in a conversation with my midwife during those final days she asked me if I was able to distinguish between the outside voices and my own internal, intuitive, and instinctual voice. I said that I was able to, that I listened for the most unfamiliar voice and trusted it.

The outside voices of guilt and shame are rampant in our culture and many times their affect is devastating on our internal dialogue and how we see ourselves. It is my aspiration during this powerful season of release to let go of not only the guilt but also the shame and step into a deeper relationship with that unfamiliar voice of truth. I wish to become so intimately acquainted with its wisdom and acceptance that one day I rest constantly in its familiarity while those other voices stream right through me.

46 Weeks

one day shy of four weeks

Intimacy: An Ongoing Observation

Part I

This is what I am learning:

There is this soul I am coming to know. Who has been wrapped so gently well in a beautiful human package. His eyes,  oh his eyes, I look in them and see a reflection of myself-- my heart stutters.

He is the truest, purist, most sincere manifestation of our love. He is the best thing I've done, he is the best thing we've done.

How stunning it must be for him here in this world of salt and earth. Trying to figure things out, make sense of all this noise and light in the new context of air, not the holy fluid he graced for those months of beginnings and building.

And built he was, the body of a king. He eats like one, thick, rich milk that literally flows from my being. My breast ache constantly and hang heavy and full upon chest, medals of honor. The other day I realized how odd it is to have an intricately involved part of your being constantly leaking. The babe and I smell the same. It is the perfume of devotion, each to the other. We are a bouquet of sweet and sour milks, sticky, a hint of cocoa, earthy, with floral notes of lavender. Our anointing oil.

My abdomen is an intimate map of this journey. A web that has been stretched with lines of our love poem.

I remember back to the first days of knowing him, his images was the idol of my heart. I closed my eyes and I saw his eyes. So familiar. I told him, "We are finally together." We'd been waiting for this our whole lives. He is my guru, I worship his wisdom.

We are learning to communicate with each other. Each message I get right elates me. I ask him for help constantly, to understand, its like praying. He is my altar.

an immersion into being present

self portrait as a mother

Motherhood, I find, is the immersion into being present. It is constancy of attention to the moment, each one as it passes. It is the inability to go back, it is the pressing onward. It is the surrender to being out of control. And yet, I still struggle to keep grasp of some sense that I am capable of molding my moments to my mind's attempt to have power. This latter struggle tends to bring forth discomfort. 

I do things in stages now, with lots of small breaks and treats. I surrender my will nearly every hour of the day.

I eat really fast now.

I started this post earlier in the day with such great inspiration, and now I am at a loss as to how to further it with eloquence. The moments vacillate like that. Everything is always changing, minute by minute. My desire is to float on this stream of consciousness, rather than abiding to my current tendency to swim against the currant.

The Sun

The Sacred Instinctual Birth of Our Son

Arlo Wade-- Divine Being of Light

Our holy son was born completely naturally from a state of instinctual and divine grace on Thursday, September 24th 2009 at 11:30pm. He weighs 9lbs 4.5oz and is 21 inches long. He is light. All is full of love.