Monastic life.
Friday, November 6, 2009 at 10:20PM At our appointment with our midwife on Thursday I talked with her about some of the feelings I have been working through regarding my new role as mother. I shared about the jealousy I feel towards Josh concerning how he can embrace more easily the roles he plays outside of "daddy." I shared about the identity issues I have been facing, how I am trying to learn how to integrate the different aspects of my personality into my new dominate role of "mama." I try very had not to be bitter with Josh, not to be resentful. Sometimes things feel so solitary.
My midwife likened this stage of motherhood to that of monastic life. That resonated deeply with me. The other night a mama-to-be asked me what new motherhood was like. It was very hard for me to put into words how intricately woven the blessings and challenges become. It is as though one cannot exist without the other. Arlo is so heartbreakingly beautiful, so sacred and holy. And yet taking care of him is the hardest, most selfless thing I have ever done. By the end of the day I am so mind-numbingly tired it is difficult to put coherant thoughts together.
Tonight I am home alone and it is hard. I feel fried and ache for connection. I looked up the definition of monastic and was curious about the definition of "ascetic lifestyle." The definition of ascetic is:
A person who renounces material comforts and leads a life of austere self-discipline, especially as an act of religious devotion.
I can relate to that. I am still processing through a lot of this... I feel like this piece of writing is lacking. To be completely honest tonight I am lonely and hurting. I'm not writing this for pity, I'm just writing it because tonight this is all I have-- a holy baby that I love with my whole being and an achy heart that is constantly learning about surrender.
Reader Comments (4)
Love, Hugs, and Understanding to you, Tonight <3
Dearest woman, I am in awe of you... and honouring you... and want to spread love through the internet waves to meet you right where you are... Monastic mama, your soul journey is huge, great & deep. xoxoxo
I remember those days so well, Maggie. This time is difficult and lovely - and ultimately very short. Try doing one thing for yourself every day - and those things can be very small. You are an amazing mother, and things will get easier.
DeeDee
this place that your in, is where my days were at the blue moon retreat. I feel your reality, the struggles with identity- in my experiences they dont really go away. Eoin has taught me to embrace my identity in many ways. The hardest lesson he has taught me over these past 8 1/2 moons is to embrace my present reality. Often I find surrendering can be a wondrous joyful journey, but at other times it is no so easy to let go and be who he needs me to be- at those times the 'monastic life' and the full meaning of our identity as 'mother' is greatest, even if we don't want to or cant fully realize or accept it!