Releasing the shame.
motherhood
My heart has been broken multiple times today by the beauty of our son. Yesterday was a hard day. For some reason that was lost on both Josh and me Arlo was having a hard time with this world. He was inconsolable for long stretches at a time, crying to us for understanding. And we tried, we tried everything that we knew to do, and things that had been suggested by others. We rocked, we nursed, we burped, we changed diapers, we walked, we swayed, we sang, we bathed. There would be occasional breaks in the cries and then they would begin again. At one point late in the evening, probably around 1:30am I became so frustrated I could have cried. Josh came upstairs shortly after that point and I said, “I can’t do any more.” Josh rocked Arlo and eventually he fell asleep for the night, waking peacefully to nurse at regular intervals.
I remember that feeling of frustration scaring me as I experienced it. It was powerful and intense. It made me feel out of control. It also made me feel shame, that I am bad for experiencing it, today even more so.
Arlo woke up happy today, smiling despite obvious bouts of intestinal gas that would make him squirm and whine. We have been communicating so much better today. Especially since adding a new aspect to our relationship. Yesterday I began working with Arlo and elimination communication (read about the practice here). I have continued with our work today, catching quite a few pees in the potty. So, today Arlo has slept, went potty, nursed, went potty, had awake time, had moby time, etc. When he has cried we have been able to soothe him thus far. This has made the frustration I felt late last night seem all the more worse.
I soak in his beauty today and my heart breaks that I could have felt such strong negativity in the throes of mental and physical exhaustion. And yet, I truly believe that this must be natural. Everything in life is ebb and flow. And we are all learning so many new things these days— Josh, Arlo, and I. So many new things that it would be impossible to have this parenting thing down perfectly. Furthermore, I don’t think that our parenting will ever be “perfect,” but it is and will be full of love, mindfulness, and most importantly forgiveness.
I have apologized to Arlo for the frustration that clouded my heart last night. Now, I must forgive myself and allow this to move along through my stream of consciousness, taking from it the lessons I am to gain and releasing the shame. I am not bad, I am learning.
I remember reading this post by Andrea Scher awhile ago regarding the difference between guilt and shame, how guilt says, “I’ve done something bad” and how shame says, “I am bad.” It resonated strongly with me when I read it because I have come to find that I have spent the majority of my life living in a deep state of shame. Situations I have been a part of, actions I have taken— if they turn out negatively, if they bring about embarrassment, if they are not “perfect” I tend to bombard myself with shame self-talk. Andrea states that,
I’m noticing that the truth is not so bad. What’s hard are the untruths we tell ourselves every day. You are stupid, you are incompetent, you are not enough…. That is the painful stuff.
She is so right, to be present in those moments is hard but to remain in them by shaming yourself for them is even more painful, it is like pestering an open would— they’ll never heal if you can’t let them be.
At a recent gathering with the wonderful tribe of mamas I have come to call my friends we had a releasing ceremony for this autumnal time of shedding. We each wrote our item for release on a piece of elephant poo paper, because as one mama said “Sometimes you just have to get the shit out,” and we set them aflame releasing those things we wanted to shift in our lives. I released the guilt that I feel so often when I listen to the outside voices regarding mothering, the voices that make me doubt my instinct and intuition. I recognize that these voices are not true.
During the final days of my pregnancy, when Arlo was two weeks late and counting, there were such loud voices of doubt, worry, and fear all around us. And then there would be these brief thoughts that would be spoken by a voice inside me. These thoughts would be so unfamiliar in respect to the “other voices.” One that came was something that said this time of waiting and trusting was my early labor, which proved true as my active labor was only 6.5 hours long. Once in a conversation with my midwife during those final days she asked me if I was able to distinguish between the outside voices and my own internal, intuitive, and instinctual voice. I said that I was able to, that I listened for the most unfamiliar voice and trusted it.
The outside voices of guilt and shame are rampant in our culture and many times their affect is devastating on our internal dialogue and how we see ourselves. It is my aspiration during this powerful season of release to let go of not only the guilt but also the shame and step into a deeper relationship with that unfamiliar voice of truth. I wish to become so intimately acquainted with its wisdom and acceptance that one day I rest constantly in its familiarity while those other voices stream right through me.
Reader Comments (2)
I don't think I'll ever be able to stress how reading you makes me feel.
Reading your thoughts and things you are working through helps me go into a place where I can think about these sorts of things so much more easily with much more clarity.
Also, when we have a child we are definitely going to be going the EC route as well!
Love to your family <3
-Cri
Amen to this beautiful... I am so grateful, as always, to hear your loving and authentic voice, story & spirit.