Waxing raw.
feminine spiritualityI have been charting myself, according to the moon. I made a lunar calendar and I scribble on it what I feel on certain days, dreams I experienced, conversations I participated in, that which I created, and things that destroy me. Sometimes I feel so out of this world, I am trying most fervently to get grounded. Enough so that in moments of intense anxiety I don't lose myself over to the grips of unknown fear so great the ground often pitches before me and I begin to feel my internal equilibrium speeding out of control.
I have been dealing with some major anxiety issues here lately. Unless I am very, very mindful my perception of the world is so raw I disassociate to the point of living in practically a separate universe, and if my universe begins to feel threatened I both consciously and subconsciously respond. I have been receding into my shell here lately nearly consciously, I have been unreasonably distrusting of people, I cannot share of myself most of the time. These tendencies of introversion often take me so far into myself that many of my fears become much bigger than they really are and they create a subconscious response-- anxiety. My anxiety attacks are coming more frequently, I shake, feel dizzy, lose touch, race. The only solution is to take my mind back from all the questions and to hold on to something solid, for dear life. A lot of times its Josh that gets me through. He can usually tell when I'm getting sick and we can talk through it. He helps me focus. But even with him I have been a shellfish-- probably moreover with him. He sees me at my worst, and in a way I believe that means that I trust him the most. Not everyone sees the sides of me he does. And he still loves me and I still love him. We are learning through all of this dimness and pain.
Right now the moon is waxing. Or as I like to think of it, growing into the Full Moon. I have only been charting myself for about a month and a half, so the trends are mere whispers. It seems, though, that when the moon is waxing I tend to be more restless. More manic. I have trouble sleeping because my subconscious self is always racing about. I must be moving or processing very fast to feel a bit of release. I tend to be a bit more antisocial. I need time to myself and to my home, cleaning and cooking and sorting things out. And while I recognize my need for these things-- tender self-care, solitude, creative freedom, and rhythm, I have the hardest time standing up and taking responsibility for them. I understand that in order to be in a healthy place mentally I must make the effort to follow that path which I see as necessary, but I struggle so with taking care of myself. This is really starting to take a toll on me, and I worry about the long term affects these tumultuous mental states will have on my personality. I ask for the grace to grow into the person I see is there for me to be. It takes so very much bravery and I am so very weak. So humbly I ask for grace, and sleep tonight.
Reader Comments (1)
i want you to know how much this makes sense to me...not that it needs to make sense to anyone to be validated...but it makes sense to me.
and, i think it is wonderful that you are charting yourself. how connective and beautiful. you have inspired me.
most of the time in life, it seems we KNOW what we must do...it is the doing it that gets us all effed up.
go do.
e-mail coming soon love! thanks so much for reaching out.