S.A.D.

Lost in the Shuffle

Tis' the season, so they say. Tis' the season for what? I am lost here, in the seasonal shuffle. I am a bystander in a culture I've yet to recognize my place. The first official day of winter has yet to be declared and already this season is a cause of suffering.
Allow me to illustrate through an anecdote regarding my nearly one year old puppy, Barrett. Barrett, as of late, has been wandering through the house whining. This occurs on a daily basis. It is not because he is hungry, it is not because he is in need of potty time, it is not even because he is in physical pain, or lacking attention. Barrett wanders throughout the house whining because he is mentally distressed, much like his mother, by this season. Blatantly put, Barrett wanders throughout the house because he is bored. Mind numbingly, I would gather, if his boredom is anywhere near that of mine.
And yet, for me boredom is not the end of it. I am rather timid to even write these words here, as it is they show my weaknesses, they show my faults. You see, there are plenty of things I could be doing in this house. If I were to sit here and write a list, as I have done time and time again, it would be long with all the things I should be doing. Those things are well and good, aligning with a certain call of duty.
Duty. There is no sparkle in duty, there is no air of intrigue. There is just shoulds, and shoulds, and shoulds. And when there are haven'ts then there is guilt and shame. It is a vicious cycle which in I have yet to uncover the balance.
Duty. That is another big theme in the pervasive holiday culture that surrounds me this season. The holidays are a large aspect of the culture I haven't recognized my place in yet. Especially this Christmas holiday. I started feeling this last season. I remember understanding that the season did not hold any familiarity for me. As my personal philosophy has changed adapting to society's stipulations has been another area in which I have experienced intense growing pains.
Allow me to take a look at this season, in its variety of facets. Christmas, for the religious it is a time to celebrate the birth of a savior. I am not religious, though I once was. All of the family I will be surrounded with this season are quite religious in that way. That is their reason for the season. Christmas, for the majority of mass popular culture is also a time to spend. I am not a consumerist. And while I understand that there is a soulful way to spend, buying independent and handmade items, not supporting big business, this is not plausible for Josh and I. While I do not mention it much, nor even allude to it, Josh and I live a very meager life. We are artists, we do not starve, but I will just say that I have become very good at making something out of nothing. That is a trait that I am proud of, it is an important thing to be good at, nevertheless it takes massive amounts of creative energy and during this season, for a multitude of reasons, I find my well running dry.
I am torn. I understand in my heart what this season means to me. I am hopeful to winter solstice, the one aspect of this time that appeals to my heart. Something so concrete and real, the position of the earth to the sun. What this time in the heavens has meant to ancient cultures. A time of rebirth, of looking forward to longer days. The banishing of dark night, onward to morning. I have known for awhile now that this month is significant to my personal journey. Toward the rebirth of my self. The new year will hold a brand new start to this person I have been growing and evolving into. The changes that have occurred this year have been stunning. It is as though an earthquake has taken place in my psyche, allowing the ground to crack so new seeds of who I truly am can grow. That is what this season means to me. But how do I convey that to others? Moreover, I find the emotional distress I am feeling toward this season to be so very detrimental to what my heart is trying to speak to me. I am missing out, I can feel it. I am allowing the "shoulds" to distract me, to deceive me into believing that I do not belong, that I am not worthy of finding my own celebration of this season. And it is breaking my heart. I feel sorrow.
So how do I handle this? How do I form my own traditions? How do I mold my place in this shuffle of shoulds? I believe I'll start by being honest with myself and define where I am at. I have been in hiding. Actually I've been popping in and out of hiding. In and out of consciously and mindfully interacting with my environment. I have been enabling my ego to please itself and its fear of failure through mindless entertainment and general avoidance of dealing with the things that are on my heart. This is obvious, in that I was awoken this morning at 4:00am with worry and dread, which made it difficult for me to fall back to sleep. My mind just went over and over all of the requirements I feel for myself this season. All of the things I should do. All the things I avoid, consciously. All of the thing that are distracting me from living what is in my heart.
Atop the avoidance is the every tugging hints of depression that are seeping in. I understand that there are actual physiological reasons for this. Our mind are intricately created respondents to our environment. As I have observed, the lack of sunlight in the winter months can negatively affect the chemical balance in my brain. This imbalance can thus have an affect on how I process through things. Perhaps, in a way, I have not been seeing things clearly, but the glass is defrosting. It seems then, if my mind is unhealthy perhaps there are things within my power to act out that can change that landscape.
I have heard that physical activity is important in keeping our emotions stabilized. Lucky me one of the perks to my job is a gym membership. I should really make good use of that. Also, even though it is bitter cold I feel perhaps it is important to interact with the outside environment. To experience the season, to connect with it. Additionally, I currently take a multivitamin and supplement it with Emergen-C. I believe I will keep this regime up. I must take notice of my eating habits. I have found that I have been greatly craving sweets and carbohydrates, which I have read is normal during this season because they are foods that increase the levels of serotonin in our brains. While that may seem not so bad, with my history of sugar and alcohol addiction it would be very easy for me to slip into some negative eating patterns. I should look into some healthy alternative feel good foods.
Furthermore, I have observed that the unnecessary restraints and requirements I put on myself greatly affect my emotional health. I create unreasonable expectations for myself, then I avoid them, then I feel guilty for avoiding them and then I feel sorrow. I am not sure why it is so difficult to just do what is in my heart to do. Actually, I believe I do understand a little bit why that is hard for me. My life is has been built around habit, and sadly those habits have not cultivated a sensitive ear to my heart-voice. It is difficult for me to do what is in my heart because it is hard to hear what is in my heart. I desire to be mindful this season to what my heart is saying. Sure my mind spins endlessly in all directions as to what my next move should be, about the things I should do to remedy a situation. But what is my heart saying? I desire to learn to listen.