Is it insomnia?
the journey, writing Is it insomnia when one just can't settle down their mind enough to fall asleep? I sit up eating a banana/peanut butter hot dog-- a half of banana, wrapped in a piece of bread covered by peanut butter. I drink a glass of milk because I've heard something about how milk is suppose to relax you. My mind is rattling through the grand culmination of thoughts I didn't quite finish earlier in the day.
I want to start journaling. Perhaps if I were to finish these thought earlier I would lay peacefully in bed and fall to sleep. Instead, the last few nights I have had to chant myself to sleep. Repeating over and over 'relax' to calm my mind. Concentrating on my breathing. I eventually reach oblivion, but not without much tossing and turning.
As I said, I want to start journaling. This time in my life seems to be an important one, and I feel the need to record and straighten things out in words. I want to start this and I would, only I am particularly odd when it comes to simple proclamations. I want them to be done significantly, not as an afterthought. Therefore, in my mind, I have decided to start journaling but I must first have something new, clean, to write in. Yes, I wish to do this writing long handedly. There is something so satisfyingly tangible about scratching out words on a blank surface. I need to make time to take care of this. It doesn't have to be anything elite, a ninety-six cent notebook from Wal-Mart would suffice. It must only be clean, a blank slate. An open vessel to catch the words of me.
I feel that journaling will help balance me. Help me come to terms with the bigger picture, rather than fixating on the minute areas of life that tend to consume my thought processes and leave me feeling discouraged. One such area that I need help centering myself on is productivity.
I tend to look at all the things I do not accomplish. I look at those things and think negatively about myself and my capabilities. Instead I feel I should look beyond those things that I have yet to conquer and look to the things I did accomplish. Rather than feeling guilty about not cleaning the entire house, I should feel good about the steps I made toward the whole house being clean, like the dishes I did tonight. I should be proud that I got our wedding invitations designed and ordered, took steps towards exercising more frequently (I walked two miles in 30 minutes!), made a delicious dinner and dessert, and edited a few pictures that I shot over the weekend. I should rest in the hush of knowing tomorrow is a whole 'nother day, fresh and clean, with no mistakes in it. A blank slate ready to be filled with love and beauty. Those things which I didn't get done today, they will keep.
In these moments late in the night I have the wonderful opportunity to lay beside the person I love wholeheartedly and share in his dreams. I have the opportunity to let my breath mingle with his, my skin recognize his subconscious touch... That is something I will accomplish tonight, because ultimately is the most important thing right now. All these other thoughts, worries, ideas, they can wait. Right now there is a cocoon spun of love and dreams waiting for me in sheets and sleep.
Reader Comments (2)
you should try writing in a journal before you go to bed each night to see if it helps you to wind down...
;)
I'll try the chanting b/c I'm desperate at this point. Tonight I think I'll just have to give in and take a muscle relaxant (I'm still recovering from a car accident , and yes that did contribute to my insomnia) because I have so much to do tomorrow and I just can't afford to keep sleeping at 8 a.m. and waking at 4:30 in the afternoon when all the stores are closing.