Understand.
the journey, writing You know, when you go to pour a bit of water from one glass to the other? How for a brief period of time the water is in neither glass, it is suspended between where it was and where it is going? I feel like that bit of water, suspended between where I have been and where I am going. To be honest, here lately it has taken a toll on me. I have been an emotional wreck. I am ashamed that I have allowed myself to breakdown. Yet, then again I would rather be honest about my feelings then go along and pretend things are fine.
Let me clarify one thing-- while I am honest about my feelings (the portrayal of them), often times I am unable to express why it is I am feeling them. This is frustrating for myself and those around me. I want to be understood, and I know without a doubt the people around me who love me want to understand me, but sorting things out and being able to form coherent verbal expressions of why I am emotionally affected is something I have yet to master.
However, lately I have been building up an idea as to why I am slipping into this sort of sadness. The idea is that of the traveling water. I feel in transition. I feel caught in midair. I want to land, safely and securely in the spot that was made for me.
I understand that every life goes through this. I understand you cannot force yourself to land. In the past my greatest mistakes were caused by just that, forcing myself into a spot that, after all, was not made for me. I understand I must be patient during this time of my life. That I must learn from it and not grow to resent it. I am trying.
Reader Comments (5)
You know how when you pour water from one glass to another, and it pours down the side of the glass and streams off its bottom instead, going completely where you didn't intend, or what?
At least you are not that, right?
A dose of optimism, maybe.
the "what" above was supposed to be "want"
it might make more sense.
this is why i love writers.
i think it is peculiar that you are so preoccupied with the 'why' of your emotions. i don't mean 'peculiar' in a negative sense, i mean it in the sense that i have never sat down and really wondered why i feel how i feel, i am more absorbed in the process of it all. i'm sure that, that omission has just justifiably lowered everyone's opinion of my intellect. but goddamn, i'm nothing if not honest.
immerse yourself in something that you adore. it will make you feel better.
-maurine
hmm... maurine got me thinking. i don't think i ever wonder why i feel a certain way either. i know how i feel but not really why i feel that way. i dunno... it's too much to think about. i'd rather just go do something mindless to keep from having to think about stuff like that. it makes my brain hurt.
josh
to comment again...I spend a lot of time wondering why I feel like I feel, and a lot of time thinking I shouldn't feel the way I feel, and then wondering why I think my feelings are so out of line and why I think I shouldn't feel that way...and again and again.
It's a killer trap, and when I'm down the most I'm stuck in it. Like a revolving door, to use an obvious image.