Shifting in stillness
motherhoodMy body has been doing slow steady work of bringing this baby girl Earthside. Starting at about 38 weeks I have been having regular moments of consecutively timed contractions. They would often start in the evening and continue until I retired to bed. Over the weekend things shifted and the contractions have become stronger, ebbing and flowing. On Sunday I felt Ms. Analee move further down, it was such a startling, odd sensation that I had a little adrenaline jolt. I was standing at the kitchen counter filling up my water jar and I felt these two “droppings.” What amazing work our bodies do together.
This work is different than with Arlo. I had consecutive mild contractions with him a couple days before he was born… With random Braxton Hicks contraction before that. I find myself at times getting irritated with this work, as it tends to make me feel impatient for the catalystic moment when active labor begins. And yet, when I still myself and find center I am very trusting of this process, and faithful to the vision of this early slow, steady work being just what my body needs to allow for the joyful, ecstatic, birth I am visualizing manifesting.
On Monday evening I was in a state of disarray, I had been aching deeply for solitude and quiet. Something that is meager in the life of a mama with a two year old. Josh took Arlo to his parent’s house to play, and I just sat and rocked in silence for a very long time. I began having regular contractions that continued through the night. My mom had offered to come play with Arlo on Tuesday so I took her up on it, with the thought in the back of my mind of how perfect the timing would be if I were to engage in active labor the next day. I had contractions all day Tuesday, but they never transitioned to strong, active labor. I had a midwife appointment that night where we saw on the measuring tap that Analee had indeed moved further down. That night something big shifted in the dynamic of our family. With the thought that labor could engage at any time my parent’s offered to take Arlo home with them, to spend the night, something that we had never tried before, something that up until that day had evoked a sense of anxiety in my mama heart. On that day though, a deep sense of trust in our process moved into me and I felt o.k. with him being loved up and cared for deeply by someone other than myself. My well was in need of being refilled, especially with this New One coming. I had just written in my journey how deeply I desired something to take care of Arlo, to love him deeply and pay attention to him in a way that had been challenging for my distracted pregnant mind to do in these days of waiting. So that Tuesday night, Arlo bid Josh & I, “Bye People!” from his carseat in my parent’s van, and Josh & I returned to an emptied house (my parent’s even took Delilah, our dog & Arlo’s fur-sister :).
Our time together, alone, stretched into today, with Arlo on his way home right now. This has been our longest stretch of togetherness, just the two of us, in almost 2.5 years. Yesterday was suspended time. There was a deep stillness that settled into our home and our time together. Wednesday we woke lazily, lingered in bed, ate scones together while we watched New Girl (one of our favorite shows right now). Then we went into town to have a meal together. We didn’t talk a whole lot, which was just fine with us. I felt kind of boring, but really it was this beautiful space of just being, of not responding constantly or managing crises. In the evenings we snuggled and loved and slept two nights nestled into one another, something else that has not been present in our lives since Arlo’s birth. Today Josh went back to work and I felt decadent to wake later in bed by myself.
Today was a day of slow moving rest. Of taking care of just me. Something divine in itself. I have been eating what I want to eat when I want to eat it. I watched a movie by myself. Dressed slowly and went to pick up Arlo a small “Welcome Home” present & to visit the library where I could linger in the stacks for as long as I wanted. Now I sit to finish up this simple piece on shifting and being. Awaiting my loves’ return. The quietude of these moments of transition has been miraculous. Medicine deep and wide. And though I ache to hold my womb baby Earthside (oh how desperately I ache), this reprieve was unexpected grace of the most beautiful variety.
Tuesday Morning Loving, Arlo lifts my shirt to give us kisses.
Bouncing on the yoga ball. One of his favorite things to do.
Quiet morning yum with Scottish Oatmeal Raisin Scones
Lunch out together was so delicious, I got a marinated grilled steak salad. Oh my.
This morning’s stillness… This corner caught my eye and made my heart so glad to observe from my snuggled up spot on our living room couch.
Today’s lunch: Hummus, quinoa, avocado, nutritional yeast + braggs, carrots, zucchini, & spinach stuffed ‘til overflowing in a whole wheat wrap. I have also been drinking gallons of red raspberry leaf infusion, often with nettles & red clover.
Snuggled w/ my womb baby, watching “I Don’t Know How She Does It.”
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