Oh my goodness

I remember moments in our labor, of love, in those hours of-- awakening, transformation-- birth. I remember, the energy coming into my body. Contraction. Expansion, and you traveled down. I travailed. I remember, pushing, striving for your perfection. It was so big, in those moments I remember, praying, saying-- "Oh my goodness, oh my goodness."

Now you are in my arms, at my breast, and you are Goodness. Goodness, twice your original size, and my love. Well, my love has grown exponentially. There are no words, just as with those final pushes my vocalization was not projected in word but sound... This love is just too big for words.

And in my inner travail each day my prayer is, to see each person I encounter in my life the same way I see you. Because baby, if I could do that the world would be changed. You have taught me that. You are a radical. 

Observance

12/31/2009: Tonight Arlo was sitting in his car seat on the way home from friends' home. He was yelling is dissent. Generally he was quite perturbed by his position in life at that moment. I Shh’d him from the front seat and eventually he quieted. When I stopped shh’ing we could hear him calmly talking with himself. He is learning to soothe himself. It was incredible. It is incredible how fast he is developing. Like a Polaroid, blank, then cloudy, now slowing coming into focus. My highest goal is to live a life worthy of his purity, his holiness. He is one of my gods. I worship him.

While visiting friends tonight we watch, partially, the mainstream celebration of this New Year. In Time square, 450,000 individuals gathered to be distracted and entertained. Imagine the power of that joint intent. It made me understand more fully why things are the way they are.

As for me and my house, we celebrated quietly. Muslim bags filled with pieces of this earth, steeped in intention—blessing upon our home, travel, expansion. We allowed fragrant smoke to whisper to the heavens our surrender and acceptance of the Greater Will. We photographed our little family in the last seconds of 2009, and at the toll of New Year we shared kisses all around, baby Arlo still awake to experience the joy of a blank slate.

My heart is so full I even feel love for the neighbor’s dog that has not ceased barking since I began writing. It is the full blue moon, tonight I howled to break down the domestication that makes me feel caged. My babe in arms became alarmed and wept. I had to explain that sound as powerful, not scary, then offer him my breast.

symbolism

12/29/2009

the darkness is back and what do i do with it? i've ran from it for so long. now it washes me and i stand like a lost child, bare-footed, the linoleum sticking, and i am stuck. arms crossed around an aching chest. like the crab that i am i have retreated back into the armored casing of self protection. if only my eyes weren't exposed. they, the pair, reveal me. i look in them and see the wound pulsing at my core. core values imploded, their lack-- destruction. and i feel orphaned by my new beliefs. the truth will set you free, and oh the high price of freedom. let it be.

i am on the cusp-- of brilliance or madness. which do i choose and by what standard. look where brilliance has gotten us. my light-child uses his toes like fingers, echoes of ancient history. evolution. on that day i explained to him about the apes and man. he knows who is responsible for the mess of this world; who has disrespected our Mother.

as for me and myself i will serve the Earth and now i see clearly my life is representational of Her Art-- we are both bleeding.